he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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