so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you made out with another girl for some wings
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
