Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
