it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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