after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
