she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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