You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
