I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
