I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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