the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
