He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
