if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
