I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize