I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
