i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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