Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just high enough for therapy.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
