i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
