Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
