I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize