If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
