I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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