My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
