Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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