Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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