Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
