bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
