some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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