I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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