if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
