my mouth tastes like poor choices
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
