My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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