You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
