I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
