You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
