pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I seem to have left my pride at pride
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
