The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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