I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
