mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
