Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
