I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
