May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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