if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
