I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize