it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
