I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
