If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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