Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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