I looked at my own cervix.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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