If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
