She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
