She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
