How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
