Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
