Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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