Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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