I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
