If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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