She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
