i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
