After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
