i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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