im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're breaking my sexual little heart
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
