i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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