ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I looked at my own cervix.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
